I don't like to be wronged and I hate it when I realize I've wronged other people.
There's this app I have a love-hate relationship with called TimeHop. I've recently realized that I brace myself whenever I open it because in the first half of the year there may be a reminder of how dumb happy I was when I was with you and in the second half of the year there may be a reminder of how miserable I was once you were gone. When I was broken.
It's been five years now and I still feel like it affects me. But I realize it's different now. Still, I would think of it less if TimeHop didn't remind me.
I went into the 2012 section of my Timeline on Facebook today with a strong decision to erase anything and everything from that year that made me think of you or us. I don't know if you know this, but your timeline works in reverse order even when you go back to previous years. So I worked backward. From being completely angry to completely hurt, from hurt to completely numb, from numb to feeling like I was suffocating, from suffocating back to knowing I was going to spend the rest of my life with you. Your sweet replies or comments to things I posted. I realized something that I often forget- you felt all those things too.
The worst thing is when someone feels exactly how you do and you don't know it. I realize now you didn't wake up a day or two later alright and back to normal. I realize now that you never wanted things to end the way they did, that it all just kind of crashed regardless of either of our attempts or desires to stop it.
I stopped editing 2012 because I came to a realization: we were great together for that time. And that's okay. We were in a season together. Now we're in very different seasons apart. That's where we were always supposed to end up. It doesn't mean you didn't love me, because I do believe you did. I don't know if being together was God's best in that season, but I know that God used everything to make me want to be my best for God.
I don't know if it's silly to you that it's taken me so long to get here. You were woven into the fabric of my heart. It's taken me a long time to realize there are some parts that will always resemble you and that's nothing to be ashamed of or angry about.
So I'm writing this because I acknowledge that the season, the whole season, is over and I'm closing the book on that season in my heart. Kind of like the bittersweet movie endings I love so much. I don't want to be angry anymore, sad anymore, swap break-up stories anymore. I don't want to be defined by that. I'm starting a new season today that will bring me to a far off place. A season that you don't touch at all. Whenever my former season is brought to my memory, I'll smile for so many reasons that are and aren't you and be grateful for the smiles we shared.
I hope that you are healed and happy. Life is too short for brokeness to reign.
I hope all the best things for you and your growing family. That you are all growing closer to God.
I hope that she lets you play all the country music and Call of Duty you want.
I hope she is the one whom your soul loves.
I hope that you will forgive me for my bitterness, anger, unforgiveness, and lack of understanding for so long.
I hope you will take this for what it is- a post about me completely walking away from my season with you and letting it be.
~Fin~
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