A 2am Post

I've begun to notice a pattern in my posting: I do it after midnight when I don't want to do something too serious, too complex, or too superfluous. I usually blog when I'm pondering or my heart is hurting for someone or about something.

I've begun to fill out my Wycliffe Application (yay!) and discovered that the application process is hard! Especially for where I am right now. True, it would have been harder, say, three months ago. Much harder. A part of me is worrying that I'll go through the application process and they'll be like, "So, we've noticed you have a few issues. We want you to solve them and get over it before you can become a member." I'm not sure if that's absurd or not.

So much has happened in the past year, nine months, six months, three months, three weeks. I feel like graduation I went to in May was in eternity past. I feel like I've aged a decade, or slept a decade of nights, or cried a decade of tears, carried a decade of burdens since then. I'm weary. And maybe broken. Brokeness, weariness, feels differently than I thought it would.

I wish I could throw it aside and truly be me while going through this stage of my life. I'm applying to the organization I want to begin my adult life partnering with. That's amazing. Why am I afraid? Nothing can keep me from doing what God has purposed me to do.

I'm learning to trust God in new and different ways. These past few months, I believe He's teaching me how it feels to be Him sometimes. People you love are hurting. People you love are rejecting you. People you've proved your love to over and over and over only turn you away. People who have done nothing but crummy things to you and don't understand why you want to love them anyway...

I'm not saying I know what it's like to be God. But I do believe we've forgotten that He feels those things too. I respect Him in a way I didn't know existed. He's changing me in a way I never thought He could. I never thought about the deep emotional pain we cause Him. Love hurts. Among other things.

I've proven my statement to be true. I'm very philosophical and thoughtful when I blog. It could be that Brandon Heath has something to do with it.

If you're reading this post, congratulations on making it to the end. I ask that you pray for me and this scary, exciting journey I'm on. I don't know where the path He's put me on is taking me, but I'm determined to grab His hand every time I stumble, look to Him for direction when I can't see the path, and run to His arms when I need comfort. My Daddy.

That's all we really need, anyway. Our Daddy's love and affection. And He's already given us that.

~Christina